Tonight On PBS

To anyone who says “there’s nothing worth watching on TV anymore,” I politely but firmly put my hand on their shoulder, look them compassionately in the eye and ask, “Are you getting enough fiber in your diet?”

The question throws them at first (just as I intended), but the cryptic nature of my query also gets them thinking. They wonder who I am. They wonder why I’ve violated their personal space by putting my hand on their shoulder. Perhaps most pressing of all, they wonder whether or not I’m armed.

Sensing their discomfort, I tell them “Yes, I am armed . . . armed with good news about the current state of viewer supported public television.” Now, before you get the wrong idea, I’m not one of those TV snobs who claim to only watch the news and public broadcasting. The truth is, before I downgraded my TV service to basic cable a couple of years ago, my curiosity about “what else is on” was usually limited to random searches for basketball games, Seinfeld reruns, and intellectually stimulating biographical profiles like the E True Hollywood Story entitled “Yasmin Bleeth: The Curse of the Baywatch Bombshells.”

But if television is a vast wasteland, basic cable television is a tiny, repulsive crawlspace where beastly, odious things lie in wait, hoping to jump out and plant their grubby stain on your unguarded consciousness. Marathon city commission meetings on storm drainage and street signage. Pretentious book readings by gasbag authors with bad haircuts. Shopping channel shows hosted by scaly reptilian creatures selling hydrating body lotion. These are the meager provisions that pass for quality programming in basic cable’s desolate domain.

. . . Wow! How about that? Hi, everybody, I’m Jordan Chandler your PBS pledge drive host. We’ve been enjoying a column by Alan Williamson, a humor writer who really gives voice to the human dilemmas of everyday life. His comic musings about basic cable are intensely personal and yet really strike a nerve with so many, many of our viewers. I don’t know about you, but I can’t get enough of Alan’s shameless clowning, warped wisdom and wonderful wordplay. Imagine what the world would be like without the uplifting, comic relief of Alan’s observations about life in all its live-and-learn, give-and-take, yin-and-yang splendor. It would be a dark place indeed, I think you’ll agree.

Unfortunately, without support from viewers like yourself, programs like this will not be there to offer soothing relief at the end of your hectic day. Funding to the arts has seen drastic cuts in recent years and many of our corporate sponsors have suspended their financial contributions. If you like seeing Alan’s column read live on your local PBS station, it’s up to you to get up right now, grab that phone and call in a pledge of support.

With a pledge of $100, we will send you a brand new CD entitled “Alan Williamson at Barnes & Noble: A Live Reading of His Columns.” This CD isn’t available in stores or online, but it’s all yours with a $100 pledge. Call in with a pledge of $200 or more and we’ll send you a special limited release DVD entitled “Alan Williamson at Barnes & Noble: A Live Reading of His Columns With a British Accent.” I’ve seen this DVD and I’ve got to tell you, it’s absolutely hysterical hearing and seeing Alan reading some of his most popular columns while using a British accent. It’s kind of a cross between Masterpiece Theatre and A Night at the Improv.

Joining us live in our PBS studio right now is the man himself, Alan Williamson. Alan, thank you for stopping by to talk with our viewers.

It’s my pleasure, Jordan. Glad to be here.

Alan, what has being on PBS meant to you?

Wow, what hasn’t it meant? It’s the difference between reading my column to a couple dozen people on a Tuesday night at my local Barnes & Noble, to reading it in front of a TV audience of tens of thousands of people across the country.

How has that changed your life?

I’m able to buy premium brands of lunch meats at the deli, mostly Boar’s Head. Also, people come up to me all the time now and say, “Hey, aren’t you that guy who was on PBS last night?” I tell them I am and then they say, “Could you sing at my daughter’s wedding, Mr. Bublé?”

That’s terrific! What’s your favorite PBS show?

Anything that has the words “Live at the Greek” in it. Josh Groban: Live at the Greek, Il Divo: Live at the Greek, Fergie: Live at the Greek. It’s all good.

What would you like to say to our viewers about the importance of supporting public broadcasting?

A couple of years ago, I had hit rock bottom. Basic cable had sucked the soul out of me. Just when my hopes for intelligent life in the TV universe had flickered and faded, I discovered one night that I had not one, not two, but three public broadcasting stations at my command. Suddenly there was wonder in the wilderness – an oasis of art, science, culture and inspiration waiting to enrich my barren mind. Andrea Bocelli: Under The Desert Sky; James Taylor: One Man Band; American Soundtrack: Doo Wop’s Greatest Hits; Carreras, Domingo and Pavarotti in Concert; This Old House; Ken Burns’ History of Baseball; Roy Orbison: A Black & White Night.

Every evening was like an all-you-can eat buffet at a gourmet restaurant of entertainment. Let’s all do our part to make sure that the feast of public broadcasting continues. For me, for you, for your children, and for your children’s children’s children. Thank you. God bless. Night now.

Thank you, Alan, for that heartfelt plea. I know those phones will be ringing shortly. Now, let’s get back to our program already in progress – “Carrie Underwood: Live at the Greek.” See you in three minutes everyone!