After a
recent trip to Central Florida’s Brevard Zoo, I’ve got good news: the missing
species search can be cancelled. They’re here. Okay, maybe not every single one
of them, but excluding Big Foot and the Loc Ness Monster, the zoo is teeming
with obscure and exotic creatures. Skeptical? Let me introduce you to a few.
White-Nosed Coati. Resembling a cross between a raccoon and a opossum,
these omnivores have long supple snouts well suited for foraging in crevices, holes
and, if given access, couch cushions. Female coati band together in groups
while the males live solitary lives, except during breeding season when they
can be found hanging out at bars reeking of cologne and waving their tails
seductively.
Black-Crowned Cranes. Hailing from West Africa, these rare birds are known
to form loving, exclusive relationships with a partner. Royal and Goose, the Brevard
Zoo’s resident black-crowned fun couple, can often be seen dancing and flirting
with each other. When their habitat wanderings leave them temporarily
separated, they let out loud squawking sounds to make sure the other is still
nearby. Once reunited, they taper off to a soft clucking noise and downplay
their previous panic saying things like “just playing” and “I really had you
going there.”
Two-Toed Sloth. There’s slow and then there’s sloth slow. These
laid-back mammals spend most of their lives in trees, and because their
metabolism is so sluggish, they don’t come down for days on end before needing
to eat or relieve themselves. During our visit, a zoo worker told us that an
18-year-old sloth named Sammy we were looking at was pregnant. “Pregnant!?” I blurted
in mock disbelief. “I didn’t even know she was dating!”
Alligator Snapping Turtle. Look, it’s an alligator! No, it’s a snapping
turtle! Wait – is there such a thing as an alligator snapping turtle? The
answer is yes, his name is Capone and he’s swimming right toward you with his
bone-crushing jaws and dinosaur-like tail. Good thing he’s incased in his
aquatic habitat and you’re on the outside wondering how you could get a selfie
with him and live to tell about it. According to one of the animal caregivers
at the zoo, Capone is “smart, engaging and silly,” much like a reptile Ellen
Degeneres.
While
getting to know all the zoo’s colorful creatures, it’s required that visitors
follow a few basic rules of the wild.
- Do not make animal sounds that mimic wildlife
in an insensitive way. (In my defense, I thought my orangutang impression was
spirited but respectful.)
- No
feeding the animals unauthorized food. Translation: Spare them the disgusting slop
you shove down your pie hole on a daily basis.
- Leave
your pet at home. The zoo’s animal population has plenty of diversity without
adding your cockapoo or blue tick hunting hound.
- No
shirt, no shoes, no zoo admission. Unless there’s a Tarzan lookalike contest
that day, then a tasteful loincloth and body oil is permissible.
- When
petting a female kangaroo, refrain from saying things like “is that a baby in
your pouch or are you just packing on the pounds.” (They won’t get a kick out
of it, but you will. A nasty bite, too.)
- Visitors
who carry a journal with them to take notes should guard it closely around the
spider monkeys. They will snatch it and read embarrassing entries out loud,
such as: “My Dearest Darling, Oh how I ache for your tender touch, your
hairless face against my tattooed neck.” (Real funny, Coco. Hope you never have
a journal go missing.)
- If
you think an animal has whispered the words “get me out of here” to you, you
may be experiencing a heat exhaustion hallucination. Seek shade and hydration immediately,
preferably away from the alleged disgruntled animal. They are either a figment
of your imagination or an ungrateful troublemaker – either way, your best move
is to sever ties.
Keeping
these sensible guidelines in mind, you owe it to yourself to plan an outing at
the zoo soon. The confining cages of the past have given way to energizing
open-air habitats where wildlife of all kinds can thrive.
Chances
are, you will discover some animals you never even knew existed. And trust me,
it’s better to meet them at the zoo than the next time you take the garbage out
at night.
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