The King of Small Talk

How are you?

How about this weather we've been having? 

Seen any good movies lately?

Did you lose some weight? 

Any plans for the weekend? 

Don’t mind me. I’m just sharing my gift for small talk. In a world where many don’t look up from their phones enough to converse, I still make the effort. Let’s face it, life is full of far more small moments than big ones, so engaging in small talk is a worthwhile pastime.

“But Alan,” you might say, as we bump into each other at a grocery store, airport or urgent care waiting room. “Walking up to someone and making small talk doesn’t come naturally to me.”

“I feel your pain,” I would reply, conveying a level of sympathy normally reserved for hostage survivors or people who’ve been sitting too long in an urgent care waiting room. During my bashful younger years, taking evasive action at a gathering was my pattern. Give me a drink to nurse and a corner of a room to withdraw to and I was happy to retreat to the sidelines.

Unencumbered by the burden of social interaction, I would unearth fascinating details that would go undetected by other guests. Had they, for instance, read the covers of all 200 CDs in Jan and Gary’s entertainment unit, they would have known that their hosts’ eclectic musical tastes included Mozart Piano Concertos #’s 35 & 41 and Donny Osmond’s Greatest Hits.

The truth is, it took me a long time to build up a comfort level in social situations. Now I welcome them. I’m partial to casually elegant social gatherings at art galleries and museums where I can rub elbows with the cultural elite while nibbling on delicacies like crab cucumber pastries with mustard sauce and mushroom caps stuffed with hummus and yogurt. I’m at my best, I think, when I can share the experience of viewing groundbreaking works of creative genius with others while making insightful comments like the following:

1.) Hmmm .... Such a nicely nuanced interpretation.

2.) So edgy, yet so graceful. 

3.) These nudes speak to me in a way I can't and won't explain.

4.) Towering masterpiece or self-indulgent drivel? I’m on the fence.

My personal awakening came when I discovered that the key to converting social affairs from rituals of torture to opportunities for enrichment is mastering that pivotal moment of first impression: the opening icebreaker. 

After conducting a program of comprehensive, field-tested research (I attended a networking cocktail hour), I have compiled the following list of surefire icebreakers to smooth the way to meaningful connections:

• Hi. My name’s Alan – the oldest of three.

• Hi. I was hit by lightning once. You?

• Hi. Embryo adoptions -- your thoughts?

• Hi. If I knew you were going to undress me with your eyes, I would have worn better underwear.

• Hi. Did you ever have that dream where you're a chain-smoking night clerk at a 24-hour pawn shop and your name is Bernice but your friends call you "Skeeter"?

• Hi. Let’s talk Politics & Religion then tackle the taboo topic of Healthy Holiday Snacks.

• Hi. Excuse me for staring. But you remind me of someone I used to stare at. 

• Hi. I know all the words to Freddie “Boom Boom” Cannon’s 1959 hit “Tallahassee Lassie.” Wanna hear?

• Hi. What a day. First my transmission quits, now I’m told I’ve got a contagious fungal infection.

Go in well-armed with potent conversation-starters like these, and you’re a good bet to blow by social jitters and enjoy a pleasurable give-and-take.

All kidding aside, we each still have a choice. We can take pleasure in living fully in the here and now and open ourselves to each other and the possibilities of the present moment. Or we can spin around and around on an endless racetrack of digital preoccupation and distraction.

In spite of all the fear, paranoia and anti-social gadget-obsessed distraction of this stressed-out, multi-tasking world, there is still value in engaging in our surroundings and being present enough to make a positive connection with other human beings. Even if it’s just a little small talk on our way from here to there.

Well, I better get going. 

It was great talking to you. 

You’re looking good. 

Give my best to the family. 

Let’s keep in touch!

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