My Cowboy Dad

On the surface, my father was a family man, a working class guy, a foreman at a chemical plant.  But that wasn’t what made him tick. Above all, he was an outdoorsman. A hunter, a horseman, a hiker – more cowboy than community member.

When I was six, he moved the family to a rural part of New Jersey, to a house on a mountain, on a dirt road, surrounded by woods. He called the house the Ponderosa and that said a lot about who he was.

He converted a dilapidated shed in the backyard into a barn and kept horses throughout my boyhood. He and my mom rode them on the trails near the house. For a while dad would enter small town harness races with a two-wheel carriage called a “sulky.” He won some ribbons with a horse flamboyantly named “Fashion’s Golden Flash.” And no, I didn’t name him.

When he wasn’t indulging his inner cowboy, dad let his inner farmer come out and play. He had a big chicken coup and a garden in the summer where he grew tomatoes and cucumbers and zucchini. My God, the zucchini. Bowling pin size. Baseball bat size.  Guinness Book size.

When I was in my early 30s, my parents retired and moved to Florida. For an outdoorsman like dad, living in suburban Port St. Lucie was like a captured white Bengal tiger trying to blend in at the bingo hall. He never completely adjusted to living in Florida, but he and my mom spent many good years there, with trips back to New Jersey and visits from friends and family. I personally was a fan of the Florida move because it meant I got to see them more and create new memories through the years.

Speaking of memories …

I will remember the great hikes we took when he would go back to New Jersey for hunting season and I would join him. The highlight was always navigating our way up a mountain near the old house and emerging out on the open rocks for an amazing view of the Wanaque Reservoir. It was his favorite spot … mine, too.

I will remember how we would watch old movies – usually westerns – and test each other’s knowledge of actor’s names and what else they were in. Remembering that James Garner started in westerns and wound up playing a private detective in The Rockford Files earned you a special kind of respect with my dad.   

I will remember going on father-and-son walks and smoking cigars with him when he and mom would visit my wife Sherry and I. It’s the only time I smoked cigars. I’m sure dad could tell by the fact I couldn’t seem to keep them lit.

I will remember that he lived in Florida for over 30 years and never once wore a pair of shorts. Now that’s a cowboy.

I will remember how uncharacteristically silly he would get when we played dominoes, making funny voices, whistling, singing – it was not the Big Al most people got to see. I loved that side of him.

I will remember his genuine love for me, my brothers and my mother, a love that he got better at expressing in his later years. He said it a lot.  It meant a lot.

My dad passed away on September 2, 2020 from a blood clot following surgery for a brain bleed. He was a month shy of his 88^th birthday and his departure has left an unfillable hole in my life. He will be with me every day in my thoughts, my memories, and the very essence of who I am.

I picture him now young and pain free, riding high in the saddle of a spirited appaloosa on a clear mountain morning. He pulls in on the reins and the horse clomps to a halt as he turns to say one last thing to me.

Dad: “Love you, buddy. Love you lots.”

Me: “I love you too, dad. See you back at the ranch.”

Of Birds And Trees And Manatees: Off The Beaten Path At Birch Park

Last weekend I visited an oasis of green amidst the urban noise and haste: Hugh Taylor Birch State Park. I only had about an hour or so to spend, but absent any time constraints I could have easily lingered long enough to be charged with impersonating a park ranger or possibly a large, fish-eating wading bird.

Hugh Taylor Birch happens to be one of my favorite parks of all time. Hugging the eastern coast of urban Fort Lauderdale, the 180-acre park contains the area’s last native hammock, a tropical wonderland at the ocean’s edge where nature trails whisk you away from the rat race and into a wooded habitat of exotic plants, lagoons, mangroves, turtles, raccoons and more species of birds than you could shake a walking stick at. (I know this for a fact because I tried shaking a walking stick at every bird I saw and my arm cramped up at about the 40-heron mark.)

When you’re ready to rest your arm and enjoy a change of scenery, the woods open up to a spectacular view of multi-million dollar mansions across the Intracoastal Waterway and a chance to glimpse a manatee – an odd, bloated looking aquatic mammal affectionately nicknamed “the sea cow.” When I say “a chance to glimpse a manatee” I mean that their shy, self-conscious nature makes your odds of actually seeing one pretty scant. 

What happened to my wife and I on this visit is that we passed a woman during our walk who said “Did you see the manatee?” to which I sadly answered “no.” I spent the rest of the day wondering if the manatee saw me first, said to himself “there’s that jerk Williamson,” and hid under some driftwood till I passed. Serves me right for yelling “Look, it’s a sea cow!” when I know damn well they prefer to be called manatees.

While Birch Park has emerged as sacred ground during my years in Florida,  my passion for parks goes way back. I grew up in a rural part of northern New Jersey, so for the first 20 years of my life the world outside my door was a park – a vast, sprawling park as far as the eye could see. Our house was surrounded by woods and our neighbors were a colorful mix of local wildlife that included deer, bear, bobcat, coyote, fox, quail and wild turkey.

When a safari theme park called Jungle Habitat opened on land near our house during my teenage years, the local wildlife sometimes expanded to include escaped baboons, hyenas, and zebras. This occasionally resulted in comical phone conversations with the park’s animal control reps who were skittish about the negative publicity reports of escaped wildlife could bring them.

Homeowner: “I’m calling to report that we have a herd of African zebra grazing out on our front lawn.”

Jungle Habitat Rep: “Thanks for letting us know, but our zebras are all accounted for at this time.

Homeowner: “Are you saying they’re not yours?”

Jungle Habitat Rep: “They’re not ours.”

Homeowner: “Then whose are they?”

Jungle Habitat Rep: “Perhaps there’s a National Geographic special or Tarzan movie filming in the vicinity."

Homeowner: “That doesn’t seem likely.”

Jungle Habitat Rep: “Sorry, gotta go. Our escaped lion emergency line is ringing again.”

In the cities and suburbs of my adult years, connecting with nature has become more of an elusive exercise . . . but where there’s a park there’s a way! To best express my deep, primal affinity for Hugh Taylor Birch Park, I leave you with a heartfelt salute I call “Out At The Park” (sung to the tune of “Up On The Roof.”) Enjoy responsibly. Feel free to sing along. And please don’t feed the manatees.

When this fast world starts getting me stressed,

and people have just regressed to ape-like ways.

I drive my way to the outskirts of town,  

and soon my guard lets down and the sights amaze.

At the park is like a world brand new,

where birds and trees and manatees greet you.

Right outside all the traffic and noise,

I’ve found a place where toys are not the craze.

And if green space puts a smile on your face,

I’ll meet you on a lark out at the park.

Out at the park!

Come on baby! Come on sugar!

A Beginner's Guide to Walking During A Pandemic

What would you say if I told you that by walking just 30 minutes a day, four times a week you could enjoy increased energy, a trimmer body, a greater sense of calm and well being, and a deeper, more restful night’s sleep throughout a prolonged pandemic?

Not good enough?

What if I told you that a brisk 30-minute walk, just four times a week, could also lower your blood pressure and cholesterol, raise your IQ, allow you to speak a second language fluently within one week, and land a seven-figure recording contract with a major label even if you’ve had no previous singing experience.

Still not convinced?

What if I told you that if you start walking now – this week – and continue walking just 30 minutes a day, four times a week, that in three months you will have reduced your risk of heart disease by 34 percent, added 2.4 years to your life, mastered the fine art of search engine optimization, and developed the inexplicable ability to communicate with domestic animals in a way that fosters caring, empowering, mutually-rewarding relationships.

While I can’t guarantee that all of these benefits will come your way (individual results may vary), I’m here to add my voice to the long chorus line of medical and fitness advisors who say, and I quote, “If you want to come out of a pandemic looking better, feeling better and living better, put down that pizza-encrusted, digitally-enabled, virtual reality video gamepad and go for a walk!”

But where, when, with who and at what pace, you ask.

These are mostly matters of personal preference. For me, for instance, the answers would be “in Birch State Park,” “at 7 a.m.,” “with my Indian sidekick Buddy Blackfoot,” and “enough to make me breathe harder.” For someone else, the answers could be completely different, perhaps more along the lines of “Heatherwood Drive,” “after dinner,” “with my dog Rooney,” and “like a small town mayor marching in the Memorial Day parade.”

Whatever specific details suit your tastes and circumstances, the good news is, once you start, walking is an activity that comes pretty naturally and requires very little instruction. Even though the instinctive nature of walking makes “coaching” the activity virtually unnecessary, I have identified three rules of walking for health and fitness that I strongly recommend. They are:

1.     Never walk on the side of a busy road heading in the same direction as traffic. As a matter of self-preservation, you’re safer walking against the flow of traffic so you can see and react to drivers who may in fact be engaged in other activities inside their cars. These activities may include putting on a fresh coat of hand sanitizer, watching mask vs. maskless fight videos on their cell phone, or making arrangements to take a post-pandemic trip to anywhere that's not their family room ... right after they head-butt you into a roadside ditch with the front bumper of their SUV.

2.      If your walk takes you into wooded areas or any other uneven terrain, take extra care to notice things in your path that might cause you to trip and fall. These obstructions may include such stumbling blocks as rocks, ruts, tree roots, discarded trash, or, on rare occasions, the slumbering, leaf-covered body of outdoorsman Bear Grylls.

3.     Never, I repeat, never get talked into walking the Ross Prairie State Forest in Dunnello, Florida with my wife’s cousin Nancy’s husband George. Now don’t get me wrong. George is a great, down-to-earth guy, with no obnoxious habits. The problem is, George isn’t human. He’s a relentless walking machine built by the Germans to cover vast distances on foot in all kinds of terrain without a break. After walking for five miles through a heavily-wooded state forest, George will look back over his shoulder at you and say, “Let’s go once more around.” Since your answer will most likely be a winded, unintelligible whimper that sounds like “yeesh,” George will take that as a “yes” and off you’ll go back into the wild green yonder.    

But these are trivial concerns. Walking is, on most days, a refreshingly safe, uncomplicated endeavor and the perfect antidote to pandemic idleness. So follow my simple rules, stay at least six feet apart from strangers, and enjoy the smooth and gentle route to robust health and fitness.

Oh, before you lace up, I do have just one little disclaimer. While moderately swinging your arms while you walk can provide additional upper body toning benefits, the exaggerated, cartoonish style of arm swinging employed by some overzealous racewalkers is discouraged. For one thing, the extra toning and calorie-burning benefits of such a technique are minor and, more importantly, the odds of you earning a reputation as a “walking whack-job” increase astronomically.

Okay, now you know everything I know, so let’s give this a try.

Ready, set, walk! One foot in front of the other, that’s it, that’s it, watch the arms, watch the arms, no crazy stuff, there you go, breathe deeply, that’s it, watch the crack in the sidewalk, nice move, you’re doing great. We’re just taking a walk here, nothing fancy, easy come, easy go. Whadaya say champ, once more around?

Excerpts From A Pandemic Diary

There’s no place like home. It’s your refuge from the world. Your space, your rules, your germs. But when a global pandemic hits and settles in for the long haul, home can start to feel like a prison with a more progressive happy hour policy.

Aside from motivating me to pare my daily wardrobe down to four t-shirts, three pair of shorts and a face mask, fears of a highly contagious virus have greatly complicated my thoughts and routines. Here, from the squirrel cage that is my brain in pandemic mode, are some diary entries that reflect a life on the edge.

March 27
Today was filled with sheltering in place highlights, including:
- Read History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
- Created a muffin out of crumbs and ground turkey.
- Learned to speak Creole.
- Spent quality time with my imaginary friend PJ.

April 10
My home lockdown phone chat today went like this …
Me to a friend: “How was your day?”
Friend: “I attended a Zoom meeting of a humanitarian group that builds orphanages in poor countries.”
Friend to me: “And how was your day?”
Me: “I bought a big jar of peanut butter pretzels on Instacart.”

April 19
To break up the long hours stuck inside, I went for a power walk today. Some people ask me what "power walk" means. It means that while I'm out walking, I swing my arms in an exaggerated, cartoonish fashion sacrificing all dignity and self-respect.

My reward is an extra 2% toning and cardio benefit. Who's the wacko now neighbor lady who when she saw me coming told her kids to "get in the house"?

April 24
The isolation has taken a toll on my personal hygiene, but I'm still a shower and shave away from my old self. Anyone got some Altoids?

May 2
One month into home lockdown and I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life. When all is said and done, I want to be remembered for 4 things:
1.) Being 5'11" but carrying myself like a 6 footer.
2.) Never wearing a lobster bib just to show off.
3) Selling the last known Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish at a garage sale.
4.) Almost rhyming "Phoenix" with "Kleenex" in an unfinished poem.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation. My legacy is in your freshly-washed hands.

May 10
Who am I to ask you to social distance and wear a mask? I'm the guy who asks people things, like "What's your middle name?" and "Where did you get your sunglasses?" and "How often do you change your oil?" and "What's in the backpack?" and "Why the face?" That's who I am.

May 24
I miss singing songs around the piano with Alicia Keys, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Giada De Laurentiis, Darius Rucker and Rick, the guy who cuts my lawn. The piano really does bring people together ... except when there's a global pandemic. If anyone's looking for me, I'll be in the shower. Singing.

June 1
My home gym is getting a lot of use since the sheltering in place requirements started.

HANDY TIP: If you’re lifting weights, make them heavy enough to challenge your muscles, but not so heavy that you get pinned under them for hours at a time and have to wait for help to arrive.

June 10
Following in the footsteps of the Batteries + Bulbs stores, I see great potential for a new retail chain called "Takeout + Toilet Paper." I’ll put together a business plan after I finish my 1,000 piece Tiger King jigsaw puzzle.

June 15
To thrive during a prolonged home lockdown, I recommend the following back-to-basics strategy: Eat when you're hungry, drink when you're dry, and don't touch your nose or your mouth or your eye.

June 23
I rewrote Glen Campbell’s “Gentle On My Mind” today. The new version goes “It's knowing that your door is always open and your path is free to walk ... that makes me tend to keep 6 feet away so I don't come within your cough.”

July 2
Due to continuing supply chain disruptions, my wife and I went 72 hours without paper towels in the house. Our descent into madness ended with the purchase of a six pack of Brawny. I'm still a little woozy, but glad to be back living a paper towel-supported life.

So there you have it – a glimpse into the diary of one man’s life interrupted. During these uncertain times, I want to remind you that we are all in this together and we will all get through this together ... from a remote distance.

Also, I am offering 10% off all my homemade face masks and Anti-Viral Soy Candles while supplies last.

Be safe, stay sane, choose soap and hope.

A Rocky Relationship

The suburbs have their share of wildlife – squirrels, birds, possums, Airbnb party animals. My wife Sherry and I had even gotten use to the iguana invasion that hit our South Florida neighborhood hard the past several years. But when a raccoon showed up in our backyard recently, we recoiled in horror.

It wasn’t that raccoons were menacing or frightening or even particularly unsightly. It was just that 2020 had already thrown a global pandemic, social isolation and deep-seeded fears of an unpredictable future at us. The sudden appearance of a masked mammal didn’t feel like a good omen.

Two doors down, our friends Toby and Terry were even more on edge. The raccoon, which was quickly nicknamed Rocky, had taken a liking to their tropical backyard pool area and would appear at random moments with the demeanor of a guest wondering what was for dinner that day. Overnight, Toby and Terry’s outdoor lifestyle of swimming, grilling poolside, and laidback lounging was replaced by the paranoia and angst common among troops under siege.

“When I’m outside, I’m always strategic about what door I’m closest to if I have to take evasive action,” Terry told me.

“Does it ever come at you?” I asked, digging for details that might benefit me during close encounters of the raccoon kind.

“No, but it doesn’t retreat either,” he observed, painting a picture of a calculating, fearless adversary.

Sure enough, the next day while picking up a fallen palm frond in my backyard I came face to face with the serenely unruffled Rocky. He was no more than 30 feet away and in no hurry to increase the distance between us.

I made an exaggerated stomping move in his direction, thinking it would spook him to run for safety.  He just stared at me quizzically as if to say “Is there something wrong with your leg?”

When my bloodcurdling yelping sound also failed to budge him, I decided to lose the battle and head inside to focus on winning the war.

Toby and Terry were way ahead of us.

“We’ve hired a trapper,” Toby told Sherry. “He’ll put cages in our yard, your yard and Barbara’s.

“Is Barbara on board?” Sherry asked, knowing that our good friend and long-time neighbor has a pro animal policy of “feed it first, ask questions later.”

“She’s okay with it as long as they catch and release it unharmed into the wild,” Toby confirmed.

There was talk that Barbara also wanted the raccoon’s email address to keep in touch, but she backed off for the sake of expediency.

On the morning after the trapper set up his holding cells I awoke early to find a reluctant tenant in the cage at the north end of our backyard.

“We got a raccoon,” I called to Sherry, “but it’s smaller than Rocky and has different markings.”

As I adjusted my eyes in the pre-dawn shadows, I realized the idea that it was even a raccoon at all was sketchy.

“It’s a possum,” Sherry announced a few minutes later as the backyard sunlight made species identification more of an exact science.

After touching base with Toby, Terry and Barbara, the trapper was summoned, the possum relocated, and the cages refilled with food for another night of raccoon seduction.

“Do you really think Rocky is going to fall for this?” I asked Terry. On day one, he had seen the raccoon sniffing around the cage in his yard and then walking away as though too smart to take the risk.

“I don’t know, but I’d like to give it another shot,” he shrugged, his tone at odds with his hopes.

The next morning, much to my disbelieving eyes, it happened. There he was, caught, caged and collected. “ROCKY CAPTURED!” screamed the boldfaced headline in my brain. We alerted our partners in raccoon reconnaissance and summoned the trapper to carry out extradition to more suitable territory.

After weeks of wariness and tension, our long national nightmare was over.  Well, not our national nightmare, but certainly our neighborhood nightmare.

Terry and Toby are finally enjoying their backyard paradise. Sherry and I have stopped worrying about what surprises lurk in the branches of our mango tree. And Barbara, well, word has it she got Rocky’s contact info and is keeping him in the loop on neighborhood news.

I’ve asked her to update him on a new strain of raccoon-eating iguanas that some claim to have spotted here. Hey, it might just be a rumor, Rock, but why take a chance?

Resolutions 2018

The dawning of a new year is an opportune time to pause and reflect on my life and how I can live it with more purpose, peace and enjoyment. But due to the hectic nature of the holiday season, my profound reflections are often pre-empted by thoughts like “Can I just get everyone moist towelettes this year?” and “Mmmm . . . cocoa brownie balls.”   That being the case, here’s the best resolutions could come up with under such challenging circumstances.

Resolution # 1: I will find the time to go back to doing what it is I do best: teaching inner city kids to yodel.

Resolution # 2:  I will develop an alternative to the Internet called "The Infobahn." It will have only a fraction of the content but will be 10 times faster.

Resolution # 3: I will make plans to throw a big party sometime. (Wait, did I say "big party"? I meant "discussion group with light refreshments.")

Resolution # 4: I will work day and night to put together the Leno/McCartney reunion concert that the world yearns for. (I just can’t help shake the feeling that the concept is fundamentally flawed. Must talk to Jay and Paul’s people about their interest levels.)

Resolution # 5: I will lose 35 lbs. on The Chicken Pot Pie and Low-Fat Fudgesicle Diet and inspire millions to do the same by appearing in a series of national ads using my old pants as a parasail while being pulled over the ocean by a powerboat.

Resolution # 6: I will become utterly absorbed in a new and greater reality while still maintaining my availability to participate in happy hours, barbecues, card games and other traditional, old-reality activities.

Resolution # 7: I will only LOL when I find something LOL funny, which won’t be nearly as often as a lot of LOL people who will LOL without any provocation whatsoever. (Example #1: Just bought two cans of diced tomatoes, lol.” Example # 2: “Thought today was the 24^th, not the 23^rd, lol.” Example # 3: One of these days I’ll get to Wyoming, lol.) I hope that gratuitous LOL people everywhere will follow my lead and stop the insanity. LMAO (but not really).

Resolution # 8: I will finally learn my lesson and stop listening to TV weather people who give advice like “good day to hit that street fair downtown.” Instead, if they predict ‘no rain’ for the day, I’ll make it a point to load up on DVDs and wait for the torrential downpour.

Resolution # 9: I will do some serious soul searching and decide whether I’d rather be a big fish in a small pond, a small fish in a big pond, or a fish special on a menu of diverse offerings that may include Seared Peppered Scallops with Orange-Soy Glaze, Moroccan Chicken with Eggplant and Almonds, and Blackened Red Snapper with Creole Sauce. (SPOILER ALERT: The smart money’s on “big fish, small pond.”)

Resolution # 10: I will express my “inner werewolf” by not showering or shaving for weeks on end and throwing my head back whenever I get the urge and letting loose with a hearty “Aw, Aw – Awwwwooooo!!”

Happy 2018 everyone! Greet each day as a gift, enjoy the journey, and don’t forget to stop and smell the cocoa brownie balls. Oh yeah, and one last thing: “Aw, Aw – Awwwwooooo!!”

Power Mad

Post-storm power outages are different in Florida. Sure, they begin with the familiar crackle, pop and plunge into darkness. In other parts of the country this would be a signal to light that nice candle your aunt Adelaide gave you for Christmas. In Florida – there’s no sense in sugar coating it – the power going out is a signal to kiss life as you know it goodbye and prepare yourself for a slow but steady descent into madness.

First, you will have to renounce all worldly possessions and creature comforts – even the small ones like clean underwear and cornflakes with milk. Then, you will be forced out of your home and onto the streets where you will join other disaster zombies forming lines the length of several football fields for a bag of ice, a tank of gas or a flight to San Diego. I was once on a line so long, I kept a journal of it.

Dear Diary,

It’s day three and we seem to lack the forward motion one hopes to experience on a line. I suspect it has stopped completely or is even moving backwards. I’ve made a commitment to follow this through to the end, but if it’s going backwards is the end really the end, or is it the beginning of a line I’ve lived through on my way to yesterday?

Most people (me included) are troopers for a few days. We help neighbors, join the hunt for food and water, pull old books and board games out of retirement to fill the powerless hours. But there comes a point, even for the best of us, when our built-in, shock-proof stress detector calculates that we’ve endured way more than our fair share of hardship.

 “I can’t believe those condos out at the beach have power and we don’t,” I grumble to my wife, insinuating conspiracies at the highest levels.

 “They’re on a different power grid,” Sherry explains sketchily, no doubt conserving energy.

 I’m tired of conserving energy. I’m ready to storm the palace gates.

 “Can someone explain to me how we can live in the richest, most technologically-advanced society in the history of the world and still be without power seven days after a storm?”

“It is starting to get aggravating,” Sherry concedes, hinting that her limitless patience may have an expiration date after all.

For the record, my patience ended three days before when we reheated two cold turkey franks over some sterno and pronounced then “dinner.” (In a blind taste test, Sherry and I both picked a flashlight over the turkey franks as having superior flavor and visual appeal.)

 Somewhere along the line, when I least expected it, something revitalizing happened. I discovered how resourceful, unselfish and compassionate I could be – a real leader of the masses in times of adversity. Had you been by my side during those difficult days, you would have heard me say this:

“Here’s another 60 gallons of bottled water Mrs. Obermann. I’ll have fresh batteries for your portable TV within the hour – I make them myself from a kit I got off the Internet.”

And this:

“Out of gas, Sean? You drive, I’ll push – there’s a station about a mile up the road.”

 And this:

 "Hey Tommy, stop crying. Climb up on my shoulders and let’s see if we can get you closer to that breeze that’s passing through.”

Around the same time – give or take an hour – I also discovered how cranky, self-pitying and sarcastic I can be: the Child King with a craving for pizza rolls and cable TV.

Had you been there in my weaker moments, you would have heard me say this:

 “Are air conditioners, TVs, stereos and household appliances now simply novelty items to be enjoyed on those rare occasions when the Power & Light gods are feeling benevolent?”

 And this:

 “Who’s going to reimburse me for the episodes of ‘Hollywood Game Nights,’ and ‘American Ninja Warrior’ I’ve missed?”

 And this:

  “I’ll start shaving and bathing again when this neighborhood is lit up like a Vegas casino!”

 Like I’ve been saying, prolonged power outages are a uniquely transforming experience. They bring out the best and the worst in people – often simultaneously. As for me, I’d much rather turn on a light than curse the darkness. In Florida after a storm, your best bet is to reach for the flashlight first. I keep mine handy next to the turkey franks.