The Crouching Speed Bump: A Short Play

The scene is a small claims court where motorist Alan Williamson is bringing legal action against a local speed bump.

JUDGE: Please state your name and complaint before this court.

AW: My name is Alan Williamson and I’m seeking damages for pain and suffering against the speed bump that attacked me and my Ford Mustang on the morning of January 21.

JUDGE: Is the accused speed bump present in this courtroom?

AW: Oh yeah, he’s standing over there in full view, unlike the morning he was playing crouching tiger, hidden dragon in the middle of the road.

JUDGE: Broward County speed bump # 237853-G, please identify yourself.

SPEED BUMP: I’m here your honor, which means the street I’m assigned to protect is currently at the mercy of reckless, whiny, self-absorbed motorists like Mr. Williamson.

AW: Your honor, I object to the name calling. I could have called him “Bump-a-Lula Boy” but I held back.

JUDGE: Objection sustained. I’ll do the name calling in this court room. Okay Whiny Why Me, describe what happened on the day in question.

Rubber Band 9-1-1 Call

In a senseless and tragic accident, I shot a rubberband across the room yesterday. Here's the chilling 9-1-1 call.

Operator: "9-1-1."

Me: "Oh my God! I just shot a rubberband across the room. Aaaaaeeiiii! Oh my God! Oh my God!"

Operator: "Sir, calm down. Where is the rubberband now?"

Me: "I don't know . . . I think it's next to the paper airplane I also shot across the room. Oh my God! Aaaaeeeiii!"

Best Fishes for a Bright Future

There comes a time in a man's life when he must decide whether to be a big fish in a small pond, a small fish in a big pond, or a fish special on a menu of diverse offerings that may include Seared Peppered Scallops with Orange-Soy Glaze, Moroccan Chicken with Eggplant and Almonds, and Blackened Red Snapper with Creole Sauce. (SPOILER ALERT: After much soul searching, I'm going with "big fish, small pond.")

Woke Up This Morning, LOL

I'm a guy who will LOL when he finds something LOL funny, which apparently isn't as often as a lot of LOL people who will LOL without any provocation whatsoever.

Example # 1: "Just bought 2 cans of diced tomatoes, lol."

Example # 2: "Thought today was the 24th, not the 23rd, lol."

Example # 3: One of these days I'll get to Wyoming, lol."

Please stop, gratuitous LOL people. LMAO (but not really).

Advice From the Weather Wizards

It annoys me when TV weather people overstep their bounds and give advice like "good day to hit that street fair downtown."

Gee, thanks for the idea weather wizard, but since you predicted "no rain" I think I'll load up on DVDs and wait for the torrential downpour.

Let's Waltz for a Spell!

I'm publicly rebuking (yes, rebuking) my online Spell Check for failing to identify the correct spelling for "waltz" after I supplied it with the "w," "a" and "l."

Seriously Spell Check (if that's your real name), I give you w-a-l-s-e in the hopes of a spelling for "waltz" and you come back to me with "whales," "walls" and "wiles" but no "waltz"? I'm disenchanted with you Spell Check. D-I-S-E-N-C-H-A-N-T-E-D.

Arm Yourself to Douse Out Stress

As we make our way through life's journey, everyone has their way of handling stress. Exercise. Meditation. Playing with a pet. I personally like to pump up my air mattress, lie in front of the TV with The Weather Channel on and squirt myself with a spray bottle every time I hear the words "scattered showers."

The real secret to managing stress is to cultivate a state of mind that prevents bothersome people and situations from rattling your nerves. It all comes down to learning what's in our power to control and what is not. Here's a handy checklist I've devised to sidestep confusion:

1) Things Under Our Control: Ourselves.
2) Things Not In Our Control: The World and All the People In It.

There. I hope this enlightened philosophy helps you adapt to stress more efficiently and find lasting happiness and peace-of-mind in turbulent times. (If not, squirting yourself with water while watching The Weather Channel can do wonders for your frazzled psyche.)