Best Fishes for a Bright Future

There comes a time in a man's life when he must decide whether to be a big fish in a small pond, a small fish in a big pond, or a fish special on a menu of diverse offerings that may include Seared Peppered Scallops with Orange-Soy Glaze, Moroccan Chicken with Eggplant and Almonds, and Blackened Red Snapper with Creole Sauce. (SPOILER ALERT: After much soul searching, I'm going with "big fish, small pond.")

Woke Up This Morning, LOL

I'm a guy who will LOL when he finds something LOL funny, which apparently isn't as often as a lot of LOL people who will LOL without any provocation whatsoever.

Example # 1: "Just bought 2 cans of diced tomatoes, lol."

Example # 2: "Thought today was the 24th, not the 23rd, lol."

Example # 3: One of these days I'll get to Wyoming, lol."

Please stop, gratuitous LOL people. LMAO (but not really).

Advice From the Weather Wizards

It annoys me when TV weather people overstep their bounds and give advice like "good day to hit that street fair downtown."

Gee, thanks for the idea weather wizard, but since you predicted "no rain" I think I'll load up on DVDs and wait for the torrential downpour.

Let's Waltz for a Spell!

I'm publicly rebuking (yes, rebuking) my online Spell Check for failing to identify the correct spelling for "waltz" after I supplied it with the "w," "a" and "l."

Seriously Spell Check (if that's your real name), I give you w-a-l-s-e in the hopes of a spelling for "waltz" and you come back to me with "whales," "walls" and "wiles" but no "waltz"? I'm disenchanted with you Spell Check. D-I-S-E-N-C-H-A-N-T-E-D.

Arm Yourself to Douse Out Stress

As we make our way through life's journey, everyone has their way of handling stress. Exercise. Meditation. Playing with a pet. I personally like to pump up my air mattress, lie in front of the TV with The Weather Channel on and squirt myself with a spray bottle every time I hear the words "scattered showers."

The real secret to managing stress is to cultivate a state of mind that prevents bothersome people and situations from rattling your nerves. It all comes down to learning what's in our power to control and what is not. Here's a handy checklist I've devised to sidestep confusion:

1) Things Under Our Control: Ourselves.
2) Things Not In Our Control: The World and All the People In It.

There. I hope this enlightened philosophy helps you adapt to stress more efficiently and find lasting happiness and peace-of-mind in turbulent times. (If not, squirting yourself with water while watching The Weather Channel can do wonders for your frazzled psyche.)

Toolbox, Bloody Toolbox

My toolbox is a sad symbol of my limitations as a handyman. It contains a hammer, nine different sizes of the same screwdriver, some bent nails left over from hard-knock picture hangings, plus a lifetime supply of miscellaneous scraps of junk such as wire, twine, assorted washers and two-way tape.

Not only am I ill-equipped to put my toolbox items to practical use, I have actually had the shameful bad luck of injuring myself while reaching into the toolbox to get something out. Now, we all have our levels of mechanical aptitude, but I think it fair to say that it takes a special talent to draw blood while rummaging around for something in the bottom of your tool case.

If I've learned anything from my home repair experiences, it's that once you're bleeding, the project tends to go sharply downhill from there.

Leno/McCartney

I'm working day and night to put together the Leno/McCartney reunion concert.

I just can't shake the feeling that something is off track with the whole concept.