Trampoline Found Alive!

During these tense few days, I, along with the rest of America, held my breath as the agonizing disappearance of the Gilbertsville, Pennsylvania trampoline dragged on. The two tireless and courageous young women (my cousins Joi and Pei) who fought the severest of weather to rescue the trampoline from a snowy grave have my profound respect and admiration.

It is young people like them who restore my faith in this country's future - a future where trampolines that have lost their way and have no voice to scream for help in the wilderness may have faith that they will be searched for, found, revived and (when the weather warms up) repeatedly jumped on.

God bless Joi and Pei. God bless the trampoline. God bless us all.

No Love for Lactose

Confession: I'm not just lactose intolerant - I'm lactose hostile.

Invite lactose and me to the same party and it could get ugly. What's my problem? Believe me, you don't want to hear the gory details. Let's just say that lactose started it . . . unprovoked I might add. The worst part is, my old friend ice cream is now an enemy, too. Thanks a lot, lactose. Happy now?

Air Travel Anti-Terrorism Enhancement

Currently, before a commerical airliner takes off, flight attendants instruct all passengers in the use of emergency equipment and check to see that seatbelts are fastened and seats are in the upright positions. Let's also have them make the following announcement: "Before we take off, we ask that all passengers please check fellow passangers in your immediate area for any screwballs, weirdos, wackos, misfits, haunted drifters or fidgety religious fanatics."

Restroom Unrest

The international graphical symbols for "Men" and "Women" on restroom doors are way too subtle for my attention span.

Can we at least give the man a sideways baseball cap and the woman some curves so I don't have to stop and decipher which figure represents the room I'm pre-approved to take a wiz in after downing the 2 for 1 happy hour house wine at Chili's?

Holiday Shopping Reminder

Sure, the major retail chains give you great selection and savings.

But they can't match the independent Mom and Pop stores for good old-fashioned grumpiness and paranoia.

Happy holidays "and don't touch that unless you're going to buy it."

Barack Lee Obama

If Barack Obama's middle name were "Lee" he would be Barack Lee (pronounced "Broccoli") Obama. I wonder if his parents considered Lee as a middle name, said it with the first name three times fast ("Broccoli, Broccoli, Broccoli") then decided to go with the much catchier combo of Barack Hussein.

Mickey, Whitey & Me

Publishing Setback: Sales of my recent sports memoir, Mickey, Whitey & Me, have tapered off after a sizzling strong start.

It seems some sports fans weren't really interested in a chronicle of my high school junior varsity baseball days with teammates Mickey Vander Blatner and Whitey Berkowitz. Mystifying.