COMMONSENSE ADVICE FOR
THE CURIOUS AND CONFUSED
Dear Alan: My husband and I are having a baby
girl and are thinking of naming her Odette after my beloved grandfather Otis. Good
choice?
Dear Naming Novice: The results are
mixed when you try and turn a male name into a female name. Just ask Edwina,
Henrietta, and Alberta. (Be careful approaching Henrietta though. She's very
sensitive and may even insist you've made a mistake and that her name's Gabrielle,
you bonehead.)
Dear Alan: I’m concerned that I’m watching too much
television. How much time on average do people spend in front of the TV?
Dear Couch Carcass: FACT: Americans on average watch close to four hours of TV a day. FACT: Those who skimp on personal hygiene and sleep are able to watch six hours of TV a day. FACT: Overuse of the word "fact" as an attention-getter causes readers to glaze over and wonder what's on TV.
Dear Alan: Is
it true that drinking coffee can boost my productivity?
Dear Buzzy:
A well-timed cup of coffee has been proven to spike cognitive
function and elevate productivity for an hour or more. This explains the
morning I ran 5 miles, detailed my car, built a guest cottage in my backyard
and helped police solve a string of robberies, all before 9 a.m.
Dear Alan: How can
we make the travel experience safer for airline passengers?
Dear Soaring Eagle: Currently, before a plane takes off, flight attendants instruct all passengers in the use of emergency equipment and check to see that seatbelts are fastened and seats are in the upright positions.
Let’s also have them make the following announcement: “Before we
take off, we ask that all passengers please check fellow passengers in your
immediate area for any screwballs, weirdoes, wackos, misfits, haunted drifters
or fidgety religious fanatics.”
Dear Alan: Whenever I’m
posing for a group photo, I get a sickening feeling that I’m going to ruin it.
Any tips?
Dear Shutter Bugged: When someone’s taking a picture and you’re on the far end of a group shot, ignore the fear that you’ll be cut out of the photo and refrain from doing an exaggerated lean-in. If you get partially cut out, the photographer will be the one at fault. If you lean in too far and ruin the photo, you’ll forever be the bozo who blocked out Aunt Adeline on her 100th birthday. So relax, smile, and don’t block out Aunt Adeline.
Dear Alan: I get annoyed when I hold open a door for someone and they don’t say “thanks.” I’m a gentleman by nature, but what can I do to let them know that’s not cool?
Dear Door Dissed: A gentleman will always hold the door open for someone coming along behind him. If that person passes through without saying thanks, the gentleman may throw a cross body block on the individual, pin him or her to the ground, and dangle spit in their face until they acknowledge the gesture.
Dear Alan: I've been told that when we sneeze it's to clear allergens or irritants from our nasal passages. So why is it that I sometimes sneeze when I walk outside into bright sunlight?
Dear Nostril-domus: What you perceive as a sneeze is actually a solar powered propulsion of tiny aliens who've been conserving energy in your nostrils and are now beginning their flight back to the planet Sinus. So next time you look at the sun and sneeze, yell "Goodbye golden nuggets," and wave vigorously until it's time for you to go back inside and lie down.
Dear Alan: When I lift weights at the gym, I have a habit of grunting like a hippopotamus in heat. What’s the proper vocal release during an intense session?
Dear King Thong: In the midst of even the most strenuous workout, a considerate gym member does not grunt more loudly than necessary. As an alternative, he may yell out "Yo Yo Ma!" but only if remaining silent would risk injury to himself or others.
Dear Alan: I love to grill, but I’m tired of the same old steaks and fish. Any advice to shake things up?
Dear Smokey: Shish kabobs are a great way to add variety to your BBQ menu. Just throw some shrimp, pineapple, chicken and a few miscellaneous items from a junk drawer on a skewer and watch your guests swoon!
Dear Alan:
What’s your take on life and love?
Dear Starving Wisdom Seeker:
