Aside from motivating
me to pare my daily wardrobe down to four t-shirts, three pair of shorts and a
face mask, fears of a highly contagious virus have greatly complicated my thoughts
and routines. Here, from the squirrel cage that is my brain in pandemic mode,
are some diary entries that reflect a life on the edge.
March 27
Today was filled with sheltering in place highlights, including:
- Read History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
- Created a muffin out of crumbs and ground turkey.
- Learned to speak Creole.
- Spent quality time with my imaginary friend PJ.
Today was filled with sheltering in place highlights, including:
- Read History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
- Created a muffin out of crumbs and ground turkey.
- Learned to speak Creole.
- Spent quality time with my imaginary friend PJ.
April 10
My home lockdown phone chat today went like this …
Me to a friend: “How was your day?”
Friend: “I attended a Zoom meeting of a humanitarian group that builds orphanages in poor countries.”
Friend to me: “And how was your day?”
Me: “I bought a big jar of peanut butter pretzels on Instacart.”
My home lockdown phone chat today went like this …
Me to a friend: “How was your day?”
Friend: “I attended a Zoom meeting of a humanitarian group that builds orphanages in poor countries.”
Friend to me: “And how was your day?”
Me: “I bought a big jar of peanut butter pretzels on Instacart.”
April 19
To break up the long hours stuck inside, I went for a power walk today. Some people ask me what "power walk" means. It means that while I'm out walking, I swing my arms in an exaggerated, cartoonish fashion sacrificing all dignity and self-respect.
To break up the long hours stuck inside, I went for a power walk today. Some people ask me what "power walk" means. It means that while I'm out walking, I swing my arms in an exaggerated, cartoonish fashion sacrificing all dignity and self-respect.
My reward is an extra 2% toning and cardio benefit. Who's the wacko now neighbor lady who when she saw me coming told her kids to "get in the house"?
April 24
The isolation has taken a toll on my personal hygiene, but I'm still a shower and shave away from my old self. Anyone got some Altoids?
The isolation has taken a toll on my personal hygiene, but I'm still a shower and shave away from my old self. Anyone got some Altoids?
May 2
One month into home lockdown and I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life. When all is said and done, I want to be remembered for 4 things:
1.) Being 5'11" but carrying myself like a 6 footer.
2.) Never wearing a lobster bib just to show off.
3) Selling the last known Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish at a garage sale.
4.) Almost rhyming "Phoenix" with "Kleenex" in an unfinished poem.
One month into home lockdown and I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life. When all is said and done, I want to be remembered for 4 things:
1.) Being 5'11" but carrying myself like a 6 footer.
2.) Never wearing a lobster bib just to show off.
3) Selling the last known Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish at a garage sale.
4.) Almost rhyming "Phoenix" with "Kleenex" in an unfinished poem.
Thanks in
advance for your cooperation. My legacy is in your freshly-washed hands.
May 10
Who am I to ask you to social distance and wear a mask? I'm the guy who asks people things, like "What's your middle name?" and "Where did you get your sunglasses?" and "How often do you change your oil?" and "What's in the backpack?" and "Why the face?" That's who I am.
Who am I to ask you to social distance and wear a mask? I'm the guy who asks people things, like "What's your middle name?" and "Where did you get your sunglasses?" and "How often do you change your oil?" and "What's in the backpack?" and "Why the face?" That's who I am.
May 24
I miss singing songs around the piano with Alicia Keys, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Giada De Laurentiis, Darius Rucker and Rick, the guy who cuts my lawn. The piano really does bring people together ... except when there's a global pandemic. If anyone's looking for me, I'll be in the shower. Singing.
I miss singing songs around the piano with Alicia Keys, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Giada De Laurentiis, Darius Rucker and Rick, the guy who cuts my lawn. The piano really does bring people together ... except when there's a global pandemic. If anyone's looking for me, I'll be in the shower. Singing.
June 1
My home gym is getting a lot of use since the sheltering in place requirements started.
My home gym is getting a lot of use since the sheltering in place requirements started.
HANDY TIP: If you’re lifting weights, make them heavy enough to challenge your muscles, but not so heavy that you get pinned under them for hours at a time and have to wait for help to arrive.
June 10
Following in the footsteps of the Batteries + Bulbs stores, I see great potential for a new retail chain called "Takeout + Toilet Paper." I’ll put together a business plan after I finish my 1,000 piece Tiger King jigsaw puzzle.
Following in the footsteps of the Batteries + Bulbs stores, I see great potential for a new retail chain called "Takeout + Toilet Paper." I’ll put together a business plan after I finish my 1,000 piece Tiger King jigsaw puzzle.
June 15
To thrive during a prolonged home lockdown, I recommend the following back-to-basics strategy: Eat when you're hungry, drink when you're dry, and don't touch your nose or your mouth or your eye.
To thrive during a prolonged home lockdown, I recommend the following back-to-basics strategy: Eat when you're hungry, drink when you're dry, and don't touch your nose or your mouth or your eye.
June 23
I rewrote Glen Campbell’s “Gentle On My Mind” today. The new version goes “It's knowing that your door is always open and your path is free to walk ... that makes me tend to keep 6 feet away so I don't come within your cough.”
I rewrote Glen Campbell’s “Gentle On My Mind” today. The new version goes “It's knowing that your door is always open and your path is free to walk ... that makes me tend to keep 6 feet away so I don't come within your cough.”
July 2
Due to continuing supply chain disruptions, my wife and I went 72 hours without paper towels in the house. Our descent into madness ended with the purchase of a six pack of Brawny. I'm still a little woozy, but glad to be back living a paper towel-supported life.
Due to continuing supply chain disruptions, my wife and I went 72 hours without paper towels in the house. Our descent into madness ended with the purchase of a six pack of Brawny. I'm still a little woozy, but glad to be back living a paper towel-supported life.
So there you
have it – a glimpse into the diary of one man’s life interrupted. During these
uncertain times, I want to remind you that we are all in this together and we
will all get through this together ... from a remote distance.
Also, I am
offering 10% off all my homemade face masks and Anti-Viral Soy Candles while
supplies last.
Be safe,
stay sane, choose soap and hope.
