The dawning of a new year is an opportune time to
pause and reflect on my life and how I can live it with more purpose, peace and
enjoyment. But due to the hectic nature of the holiday season, my profound
reflections are often pre-empted by thoughts like “Can I just get everyone moist
towelettes this year?” and “Mmmm . . . cocoa brownie balls.” That being the case, here’s the best resolutions could come up with under such challenging circumstances.
Resolution # 1: I will find the time to go back to
doing what it is I do best: teaching inner city kids to yodel.
Resolution # 2: I will develop an
alternative to the Internet called "The Infobahn." It will have only
a fraction of the content but will be 10 times faster.
Resolution # 3: I will make plans to throw a big party sometime. (Wait, did I say "big
party"? I meant "discussion group with light refreshments.")
Resolution # 4: I will work day and night to put together the Leno/McCartney reunion
concert that the world yearns for. (I just can’t help shake the feeling that
the concept is fundamentally flawed. Must talk to Jay and Paul’s people about
their interest levels.)
Resolution # 5: I will lose 35 lbs. on
The Chicken Pot Pie and Low-Fat Fudgesicle Diet and inspire millions to do the
same by appearing in a series of national ads using my old pants as a parasail
while being pulled over the ocean by a powerboat.
Resolution # 6: I will become utterly absorbed in a new and greater reality while still
maintaining my availability to participate in happy hours, barbecues, card
games and other traditional, old-reality activities.
Resolution # 7: I will only LOL when I find something LOL funny, which won’t be nearly
as often as a lot of LOL people who will LOL without any provocation
whatsoever. (Example #1: Just bought two cans of diced tomatoes, lol.” Example
# 2: “Thought today was the 24th, not the 23rd, lol.”
Example # 3: One of these days I’ll get to Wyoming, lol.) I hope that
gratuitous LOL people everywhere will follow my lead and stop the insanity.
LMAO (but not really).
Resolution # 8: I will finally learn my lesson and stop
listening to TV weather people who give advice like “good day to hit that
street fair downtown.” Instead, if they predict ‘no rain’ for the day, I’ll
make it a point to load up on DVDs and wait for the torrential downpour.
Resolution # 9: I will do some serious soul searching and decide
whether I’d rather be a big fish in a small pond, a small fish in a big pond,
or a fish special on a menu of diverse offerings that may include Seared
Peppered Scallops with Orange-Soy Glaze, Moroccan Chicken with Eggplant and
Almonds, and Blackened Red Snapper with Creole Sauce. (SPOILER ALERT: The smart
money’s on “big fish, small pond.”)
Resolution # 10: I will express my “inner werewolf” by not
showering or shaving for weeks on end and throwing my head back whenever I get
the urge and letting loose with a hearty “Aw, Aw – Awwwwooooo!!”
Happy 2018 everyone! Greet each day as a gift, enjoy
the journey, and don’t forget to stop and smell the cocoa brownie balls. Oh
yeah, and one last thing: “Aw, Aw – Awwwwooooo!!”
