Holiday Shopping Reminder

Sure, the major retail chains give you great selection and savings.

But they can't match the independent Mom and Pop stores for good old-fashioned grumpiness and paranoia.

Happy holidays "and don't touch that unless you're going to buy it."

Barack Lee Obama

If Barack Obama's middle name were "Lee" he would be Barack Lee (pronounced "Broccoli") Obama. I wonder if his parents considered Lee as a middle name, said it with the first name three times fast ("Broccoli, Broccoli, Broccoli") then decided to go with the much catchier combo of Barack Hussein.

Mickey, Whitey & Me

Publishing Setback: Sales of my recent sports memoir, Mickey, Whitey & Me, have tapered off after a sizzling strong start.

It seems some sports fans weren't really interested in a chronicle of my high school junior varsity baseball days with teammates Mickey Vander Blatner and Whitey Berkowitz. Mystifying.

The Picture Show

I'm not a big fan of referring to motion pictures as "movies." Let's get back to calling them "motion pictures," or even better, "the picture show" as in "Good afternoon Henrietta, would you like to go to the picture show with me in my gas-powered motor vehicle?"

The Good Lord Willing

Give yourself some wiggle room when people ask you to do something by ending your answer with the phrase "the good lord willing." Observe . . .

Q: Will you have that report ready by Friday?

A: I expect to, the good lord willing.

Q: Are you bringing chicken wings to the party?

A: That's my plan, the good lord willing.

Q: When will I get back that $200 I loaned you?

A: Not in this lifetime, the good lord willing.

We Interrupt Twilight for a Word on Werewolves

Nothing against Twilight, but I'd be much more excited about a series of books and movies about werewolves. In fact, I'd like to be a werewolf. The thought of not showering or shaving for weeks on end and having everyone too afraid to call me on it appeals to me on some raw, primeval level.

Plus, unlike vampires who go about their business pretty quietly, I'd get to throw my head back whenever I get the urge and go "Aw, Aw - Awwwooooo!!" (I tried it the other day in Costco and an elderly food sample server named "Millie" gave me all her sausage puffs.) 

Big Thoughts, Small Pleasures

To get the most out of life, I will follow a two-prong approach of thinking big thoughts, but relishing small pleasures.

Big Thought: I must build a body of work that will reach across time and space and enrich people's lives long after I'm gone.

Small pleasure: Mmmmm, sweet potato fries.

When the Going Gets Tough

When the going gets tough . . .

the tough get really, really drunk, get into a brawl or a car crash, then have their mug shot plastered all over the Internet, the newspapers and the 11 o'clock news.

(This isn't as catchy as "when the going gets tough, the tough get going," but I like its gritty, in-your-face realism.)

It's an "L" of a Thing

Did you ever notice that a disproportionate number of words that represent really good things in life begin with the letter L?

Love

Laughter

Loyalty

Lingerie

Evangeline Lilly

Lakeside Inns

Liverwurst
Latchkey Kids

Locusts

(Okay, losing strength, concept fizzling, must regroup . . . )

Massage This

Fantasy: You win a two-hour massage at the Sandals Royal Bahamian Spa with a masseuse named Chantelle.

Reality: You win a 50-minute massage at the Leonard S. Zuckerman Chiropractic Center with some guy named Elmer.

The Lost Hitchcock Episodes

• A construction worker opens his lunch pail to find a note from his mother who's been dead for ten years.
• A game show contestant sets new records in prize winnings. Pretty good considering he has been dead for ten years.
• A woman gets a surprise phone call from her twin sister. The surprise: she's been dead for ten years.
• An entertainer - ten years dead - shows up to accept a lifetime achievement award in front of a national audience.

Men's Cologne Ideas

Move over CK and Hugo Boss. I've got some cologne names that will make the men's fragrance world take a fresh whiff of the sweet, sweaty smell of success.

• Tangy Extrovert
• Moist Buccaneer
• Factory Flirt
• Young LBJ
• Musky Mahatma
• Yabba-Dabba-Dude
• Seacrest
• Eau De Satchmo

I'm putting my money on Eau De Satchmo. Feel free to throw in your two scents.

No New Soup For You!

Did you know that, on average, 98 out of every 100 new soups introduced to the world market each year fail to make it beyond the trial period or are mistaken by consumers for nonalcoholic beer?

So what are you missing? Ill-fated varieties that fell short of fame and fortune include:

• Fisherman's Bait & Barley
• Thai-Style Hair & Ham
• Acid Rain & Rice
• Jay Lentil
• Gypsy Port & Pickins'
• Iguana Gumbo
• Three Sneeze Peeper Leek
• Cream of Muskrat
• H&R Bisque
• Yo Yo Matzo Ball
• Savory Tsunami
• Dead Plant Stems & Pieces
• Chunky Irish Tenor

The good news is, the king of all soups, chicken noodle, is now healing the sick in 37 countries and has even been credited with raising the dead in Haiti, the Philippines and Equatorial Guinea.

Dear Awesome: It's Over

What's the deal with everyone saying "awesome" all the time?

"This taco is awesome."

"The concert was awesome."

How was your vacation? "It was awesome."

I've got an awesome idea. Let's use some other adjectives to describe our mind-blowing experiences, like "epic" or "chocolicious" or "wickedcrazygood." I've always liked "monkey-riffic" but that's me.

Brotherhood and Baked Beans

I don't want to sound like I'm badmouthing "Motherhood and Apple Pie," but how about some well-earned equal time for "Charity and Cheddar Cheese," "Loyalty and Leg of Lamb," "Privacy and Pickled Peppers," "Thoughtfulness and Fillet of Flounder," and "Brotherhood and Baked Beans"?

And don't even get me started on "Democracy and Deviled Eggs." Too close to home.

Don't Knock Napping

My name's Alan, I'm a napper, and I'm not embarrassed to admit it. Okay, maybe a little. Only seniors and small children are allowed to nap and tell in our can-do culture, but whoever said "you snooze, you lose" should be given a blankey and told to go lay down.

For those daring men and women who risk ridicule to work a strategically timed nap into their work hard, play hard schedules, the results can be rejuvenating. Take me for example. At the age of 52, I'm often mistaken for 39 or 40 -- even younger when I remember to stop talking about my boyhood crush on Barbara Eden.

Napping helps keep your immune system strong so you can fight off germs and viruses present in your everyday environment. Take, for instance, that wheezing, gagging guy who touched the door knob right before you. Without a nap, you're a goner on a slow donkey ride to sick-bed city. With a nap, life is good, and gagging guy gags alone.

Mr. Smooth's Social Icebreakers

Walking into a room full of strangers and making small talk used to intimidate me, but not anymore. My big breakthrough came when I discovered that the key to converting social affairs from rituals of torture to opportunities for enrichment is mastering that pivotal moment of first impression: the opening icebreaker.

After conducting a program of comprehensive, field-tested research (I attended a networking cocktail hour one night), I've compiled the following list of surefire icebreakers to smooth the way to meaningful connections.

• Hi. I was hit by lightning once. You?

Reflex Road Rage

Have you ever had someone beep at you in traffic and your first reaction is "what's your problem?" but then you see that it's a friend of yours just trying to get your attention, so you smile and wave but you're still a little ticked off because he got you all keyed up by beeping?

No, me neither. That would be crazy.

Burglars Beware

I spotted a sign under an alarm on the outside of a Bank of America that read "Burglar Alarm." "Burglar?" Really? Are we living in a James Cagney movie from the 1940s?

If you're trying to dissuade certain people from robbing your bank, shouldn't your sign use more contemporary language like "Armed Loser Alarm"?

Vacation? Reserve Your Hammock Now

I saw a magazine ad for a resort recently that featured a large photo of someone lying in a hammock. Can you imagine how that brainstorming session went?

"What should we show in our ad, Nigel, the infinity pool, Jacuzzi, oceanfront restaurant, championship golf course, the on-site night club, the award-winning European spa?

"Actually, Ethan, I was thinking we could show someone clinging for dear life to some netting attached to a couple of ropes strung up between some trees."

"You mean a hammock?"

"Exactly."

"Genius idea -- let's go with it!"